Roots and Wings! A Whole New World!

Dear Canaan,

On April 14, 2008 you came into my life at a very important time. You were our miracle baby and we welcomed you with buckets of love and hope for the future. For me it was a chance to hold a little bundle in my arms and feel the soft breath of a new born on my neck as I rocked you. My grandchild..........a grandmother who had finally settled down enough to understand how important something so small can be to a Mother. It doesn't mean I loved your siblings less, but that I was so busy living when they were young, I hadn't realized what I had missed.

I wanted to make sure you had all the love and attention you could get in those important first months. You are growing up and exploring more and I think you will love having some buddies to play with and learn to share with. WE have plenty of time to play and enjoy each other's company.

So I give you Roots (because I loved you and spent many hours playing and caring for you) and Wings (because I want you to explore a whole new world!)

Hugs and Kisses
I Love You
Meme

Sometimes change is good!~

I remember the day that Amy called to tell me she was pregnant! I was shocked, excited, worried and wondering what in the world she was going to do!! I was thrilled for the miracle but somehow I thought she had no idea what a change she was in for and I had this urge to help make it easier for her! I offered to keep the kids...........it was my idea and not one that she jumped on right away.

I thought it was an opportunity to give back to my kids........after all these years to somehow make up for the times I'd probably let them down. It was naive of me to think that there's EVER a way to make up for the past. I did not accomplish that goal.

I believe I may have had a hand in Sawyers desire to move. He may have felt trapped by my presence for those 2 or 3 hours he was accustomed to being at home alone. He may have felt humiliated at my attempts to help him be a better son and do the right things. I mostly feel like it was just a right of passage,,,,,,,,,for him to want to be with his dad at this crucial time in his life, isn't such a surprise. Frankly, I'm thankful that he has a Daddy that truly loves him and wants to help him. And if he does better in school as a result of this change then it will be worth all the heartbreak and sorrow we've suffered.

After several small incidences, it became clear to me that I was not improving my relationship with my daughter and my grandkids. If anything, I was damaging the relationship as it turned out. Sydney's refusal to ride to school with me was proof that I had in fact changed the way she feels about me and I knew it was time for a change.

I love my children immensely! And I'm as honest with them as I know how to be. This decision to stop keeping the kids was not an easy one, but it was the best thing I could do for myself and they will soon see it was a good thing for everyone involved.

My time with Canaan has been priceless for me!! To take care of him from the day he was born.........to be there 11 hours a day, every week, was amazing to me and I have chronicled his 8 1/2 in pictures and the time I've spent with him with all be treasurer memories for me. He is my pride and joy and I will always have a special bond with him because I took the time to actually BE with him. We have played and learned and laughed and cuddled........and just the thought of not seeing his little face everyday, breaks my heart. But I also know he's exploring a whole new world. That must include other people and little friends and new experiences.

There's only so much he can learn everyday with Meme. I didn't want to wait for my relationship with him to change as well. He's still my grandson and I can see him whenever I want and make it quality time.

Sydney is still my granddaughter and I can see her whenever I want and I know she loves me and will be happy to spend quality time with me.

Sawyer is still my grandson, and even though he may have found my presence annoying, someday he will realize I was only trying to help.

I was afraid once summer came and Josie was with me too, that somehow she would also decide she didn't want to be around Meme everyday.

I know I'm opinionated, I know i'm hard on them, it's the way I was raised and I turned out ok.

My relationship with Amy and Emily has always been unique. Whatever damage I have done as a result of trying to help, I will regret I'm sure. But it doesn't change my love for them.

So I give myself credit for trying to do the right thing,,,,,,,,,knowing there was no good way to stop doing it! And I give myself credit for being dependable, trustworthy, capable.

Yes I've had my feeling hurt! It always hurts when you feel like you've failed at the one thing you wanted so badly to succeed at. But I look forward to Canaan's new adventure, and know that in the long run, this is a good thing for him. It's also a good thing for Sydney because she needs friends she can play with after school that are her own age.

And I know in Amy Jane's heart she knows I love her and those kids. It was not my intention to create a problem. Our ideas are just different and they have their own lives to lead, and so do I.

So I look forward to the changes in my own life. To get back to the business of being a professional. Knowing I have gotten my new grandson through the first important months of his life. And for that I am MOST PROUD!! Someday someone will tell him how much he meant to me at this time in our lives. And that will be a truly good thing!

2009 BRING IT ON!

I want to move...........I'm afraid to move! but I want...to move!

I'm just not comfortable with this idea I have, to move. I mean I couldn't be any unhappier with Eddie if I tried...........it's only a matter of time before he fools around and loses the house and god knows what else.

But if i move and then have to depend on JUST ME........which is what I'm doing now, but not really..........then I will have to find more stable work. But what's stable anymore?? I've been out of the work force over a year now.......not good for a 54 year old woman,,,,,,,nearly 55. I am not confident that my current job is going to hold out for me. Constant questioning about my techniques with the baby during the day, my impatience with my granddaughter, my desire to force her Mother to stand up to her.............are getting me in more and more hot water. I'm sure in the back of her mind, she's probably thinking I helped push Sawyer over the edge....to move to his Dads. I'm not liking the way it's looking.........and certainly not feeling like I can depend on the money and the car, that comes with this job.

Questions?? Answers?? Nothing comes easily anymore. I'm at my wits end. Before I step off the deep end, I'd better KNOW and not wonder!!!

Dont' mind me, I'm just thinking out loud!

A Christmas Chronicle~

I haven't put my thoughts about Christmas in print yet and I always enjoy going back to see where I came from. So today i will chronicle my Christmas 2008 so that I will be able to look back again someday.

I managed to do a good job this Christmas. I sent long distance greetings to my sweet Cacey and Tony and also lit up my sisters house with some yummies! I felt accomplished when i realized that I'd managed to work hard and save my money and not stress over being broke. This is the first year of my life, i think, that I ran out of time before I ran out of money.

The reason this picture is first is meaningful. You will notice that there isn't a single present under that tree. This is exactly what it looked like Christmas morning.

For the first time in my 54 years I didn't have a present to open on Christmas morning! Eddie has done some inconsiderate things over the last 6 years, but never so brazen as this. I'm not exactly sure why it bothers me so bad. I guess it's because he squanders so much money on drinking and gambling and it seems cruel not to have at least gotten me a card.

He said he tried to buy a card but couldn't find one that said what he wanted to say. I'm like Cheryl, "there's not one that says sorry I'm such an ass". He'd been at the bar all week buying rounds for everybody..........and the woman who cleans his house and washes his clothes and buys his groceries and provides lights, water and cable, didn't deserve a 50 cent card!

You'd think I was raised in Missouri.......who's state slogan is SHOW ME state! Does anybody need to draw me a picture or what?? Do I not realize how much time I have wasted on a loveless marriage, in hopes of getting at least a house out of the deal. Now I realize I would only be stuck with a house that's levied by the IRS or sold at auction to pay off debts. Do I not realize that even if he had life insurance, it would be stuck in probate for all eternity and I'd end up owing somebody money!!!!

Is my health insurance that important to me! I mean barring a diagnosis of Stage 4 cancer, I probably wouldn't even go to the doctor! And if it was stage 4 i wouldn't agree to treatment anyway...............would anybody be stuck paying my hospital bills???

So what if he divorces me! So what if I dont' get a house out of the deal. So what if I feel like an idiot for actually asking the Bastard to come home!! I've certainly been an idiot enough to know I always survive it!

I said as long as he was paying the house payment I was just going along for the ride. I set that goal and so here it is. He hasn't made the house payment. It's time for me to move on.

I have alot to be happy about this Christmas. Patty presented me with a certificate for a week long vacation in Key West. March 28th and I can hardly wait. But I'm setting that as my next mile stone.

After that trip I will be moving to Clarksville. I'm going to move to Emily's basement and stay at Patty's on the weekends when i work at the VFW. I've spent too much time spinning my wheels and the next few months will be spent getting rid of things I dont need to take and deciding exactly what to do with the animals that I can't take either.

The best picture of all lately has been of my little man Canaan and his first sucker! He is the light of my life! So innocent and unaffected by the bad parts of life. He renews my soul every morning with his grin when he sees me sneaking up on him. I do have a good job......as stressful as it is, I know this part of his life is so fragile and I'm glad I'm the one putting a sense of security in his life. He knows what to expect and falls right into the routine, that is so important to his little life right now. I figure about one more year and he'll be ready to get out and socialize and enjoy day care.

Then I'll be returning to the work force and a new chapter will begin. It's all a big cycle and I am not afraid of change. I'm good at it. In fact, I'm the BEST and reshaping my life and coming out on top.

I'm not sad................do not worry about me. I'm merely putting my thoughts in print to remember where I was and where I'm going!

This was me last January 2008. I was laughing and having a good time and I suspect this will be me again this January. Because every January I pledge to be somewhere else, and better and happier and surviving!

My New Years Resolution for 2009 is to infact still be around for 2010! I mean, if you think about it, that's all that's really important. That you have another year to enjoy the adventure of life!

I'm a lucky woman. I have a wonderful sister, wonderful daughters, wonderful grandkids and wonderful friends! I am hugely blessed despite my repeated failures with men! haha Will I EVER learn to play with them and send them home? Good question.........at this point in my life a man is the last thing on my NEED list!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!! Bring it on!

Heartache Revisited...

You know, I'm a tough ole gal................seasoned with history and baggage beyond anyones means! I've been smart and stupid many times in my life, and for the most part I look back on them with resolve that I did what I thought was right at the time, and have always been very good at putting memories in their place.................THERE.............IT'S DONE.........now get on with it!

Trouble with being the kind of person who compartmentalizes memories..........you never REALLY put them away. Every now and then one jumps off the shelf, dusts themselves off and covers you in a slimy mess that you have to wallow around in before you can successfully put it back on the shelf!

Yesterday history repeated itself. Sawyer went to live with his Daddy abrubtly and left his Mother in a puddle of pure heartbreak.

I had flashbacks of the girls moving back to their Daddy's abrubtly and without warning............and the wave of agony that swept over me when they did. I could see a vision of myself, curled up in the corner screaming through my tears, "why dont they want their mama?" over and over again, gently rocking my new baby (cacey) in my arms. Some of the worst times of my life and if I hadn't had Cacey I do not know how my life would have turned out, or if I'd even managed to continue a life at that point!

It was surreal to see my own daughter; that so many years ago, had broken her own Mothers heart, now scream in agony as she rocked her new baby, when her heart has been broken by her first born!

Why does life do this? What purpose does it serve for the demons of life to be passed onto to your children.

I resent the fact that my demons will not stay on the shelf where they belong! How dare they invade the sprirt of the holidays and forever tattoo "the Christmas Sawyer left" all over 2008!

This saga is just beginning! It is not over and more drama and heartache and anger and resentment are coming! How will I ever manage to get her through something I would just as soon not revisit!

Today we all are doing the same thing. Revisting our relationship with Sawyer Ashley........woulda, coulda, shoulda..............

None of it will do us any good, because it's the circle of life! Time to get ourselves together, shake it off and get ready for the next second, the next minute and the next hour and the next
day.

Today I choose to focus on the wicked humor of it all! I can only invision the shock to Lute and Miss Prisses perfect little life! I can't wait until she finds condoms in the laundry, and realizes how capable Sawyer is of making your life miserable, and when he lies, or embarrasses them at church, or they get called on the carpet by the school principal, or they are humiliated that his grades suck, even though they bust their butts to get him through school.

Give em hell little buddy!! Like no other Sawyer I know, and then I want his Mother to live long enough to hear Lute Dickey say "ok I get it!" and Sawyer to say "I'm sorry Mama!"

Merry Freakin Christmas! :)

I had the weirdst dream today!

(disclaimer for my sister) I am not losing my mind......please do not call Harriet Cohn and have them send the paddy wagon.

I woke up at 3 am this morning,,,,,,,couldn't sleep......lots going on with work, and Amy and the grandkids and the shopping that needs to be done.......I mean it's no wonder I can't sleep!! hahaha

But I said down this morning, after a stressful morning, and dosed off and dreamed the strangest dream. Those of you reading this need no explanation of the people involved, but if you are a stranger reading this, you'll just have to read between the lines.

In my dream I walked into work this morning to my office at Griffy Motor Company. People walked around me like they thought I belonged there and I went into my office and picked up some deals to start my day, and Kent grinned at me as if I was crazy!! He said let's go outside. We went and sat on the bench that we always sat on when he had to scold me about something, or when we talked about Eddie and his most recent shortcoming........

I said who moved that chair, where have I been and how long have I been gone. And I reached over and put my index finger on his index finger (like I used to do with cacey and we called it recharging our battery connections). And I woke up!!!

First dream I've ever had that shook me like that. I was in tears and thinking WTF..........

After having an entire afternoon of thinking about that......I've decided that I've been feeling humiliated lately................downgraded to a babysitter and dishwasher......unappreciated and unprofessional. Griffy Motor Company represents my professional life,,,,,,,,,the job I controlled on every level. Kent Griffy represents the humiliation of having a friend for 25 years and helping him build his business and he downgraded me to his son's employee, and washed his hands of me in blink of an eye!

I realized the tears represent the loss of that friendship. That even though he aggravated me on so many levels, we were friends. We had lots of fun together over the years. He took me for a ride in his race car, in pitch black darkness at Billy Dunlop park. When I got there the next day for the Jenkins and Wynne picnic we'd been cooking for all night...........I saw how many concrete picnic tables we surely could have killed ourselves with. We joy rode in Ole Blue, when he had no brakes.............and went to bars in hick towns where you can't sit with your back to the door!

So after clearing the air with Amy over my frustrations on my job. I remind myself that I decided to take care of my grandchildren because I wanted to make a difference not only in their lives but also in the lives of my daughters. I wanted them to see what a good care taker I am of children and perhaps give them a glimpse of the Mother I was for them. I have never had a job I could not master in a matter of weeks, much less months!! I have been on this job for 8 months and I seem to be further from success or at least satisfaction than I find comfortable and able to accept.

These children cannot humiliate me, if I do not let them. I need to pick myself up by my boot straps and be the grandmother they need, not the grandmother that feels the most comfortable. When they are grown they can talk about how hard I was on them, and credit me with some form of character development, like I managed to do with my own hard ass Father!

I'm thankful for my dream today because it reminded me just how unhappy I've been and that was not the goal. I love my children and my grandchildren. Patience is not my best virtue, but perserverence IS! So we'll see how that turns out for me!

Trying to find the spirit....

After shopping all day with Amy and Emily, I found a bit of Christmas spirit start to rear it's head.............

I am not real excited about Christmas yet, but hopefully that will change soon. I have The Christmas Carole play to attend, and the Children's Christmas party at the VFW to work on. The Christmas Parade is next Saturday........so there will be lots of opportunity to absorb more of the spirit i seek.

I managed to do some decorating this weekend..........an abbreviated version of what I usually do. I have presents to wrap and more to buy,,,,,,,,,,,so as usual, I'll be preparing for the day, right up to the last minute!

My little Canaan is sick for the first time in his little 7 month old life.......so today is ALL ABOUT COMFORTING CANAAN........PERIOD. When a baby is sick he wants to be comforted. So to hell with the laundry, to hell with everything...........I'm going to concentrate on making him feel better! :)

Hope everyone has a good week!