Heartache Revisited...

You know, I'm a tough ole gal................seasoned with history and baggage beyond anyones means! I've been smart and stupid many times in my life, and for the most part I look back on them with resolve that I did what I thought was right at the time, and have always been very good at putting memories in their place.................THERE.............IT'S DONE.........now get on with it!

Trouble with being the kind of person who compartmentalizes memories..........you never REALLY put them away. Every now and then one jumps off the shelf, dusts themselves off and covers you in a slimy mess that you have to wallow around in before you can successfully put it back on the shelf!

Yesterday history repeated itself. Sawyer went to live with his Daddy abrubtly and left his Mother in a puddle of pure heartbreak.

I had flashbacks of the girls moving back to their Daddy's abrubtly and without warning............and the wave of agony that swept over me when they did. I could see a vision of myself, curled up in the corner screaming through my tears, "why dont they want their mama?" over and over again, gently rocking my new baby (cacey) in my arms. Some of the worst times of my life and if I hadn't had Cacey I do not know how my life would have turned out, or if I'd even managed to continue a life at that point!

It was surreal to see my own daughter; that so many years ago, had broken her own Mothers heart, now scream in agony as she rocked her new baby, when her heart has been broken by her first born!

Why does life do this? What purpose does it serve for the demons of life to be passed onto to your children.

I resent the fact that my demons will not stay on the shelf where they belong! How dare they invade the sprirt of the holidays and forever tattoo "the Christmas Sawyer left" all over 2008!

This saga is just beginning! It is not over and more drama and heartache and anger and resentment are coming! How will I ever manage to get her through something I would just as soon not revisit!

Today we all are doing the same thing. Revisting our relationship with Sawyer Ashley........woulda, coulda, shoulda..............

None of it will do us any good, because it's the circle of life! Time to get ourselves together, shake it off and get ready for the next second, the next minute and the next hour and the next
day.

Today I choose to focus on the wicked humor of it all! I can only invision the shock to Lute and Miss Prisses perfect little life! I can't wait until she finds condoms in the laundry, and realizes how capable Sawyer is of making your life miserable, and when he lies, or embarrasses them at church, or they get called on the carpet by the school principal, or they are humiliated that his grades suck, even though they bust their butts to get him through school.

Give em hell little buddy!! Like no other Sawyer I know, and then I want his Mother to live long enough to hear Lute Dickey say "ok I get it!" and Sawyer to say "I'm sorry Mama!"

Merry Freakin Christmas! :)