Dear Canaan,
On April 14, 2008 you came into my life at a very important time. You were our miracle baby and we welcomed you with buckets of love and hope for the future. For me it was a chance to hold a little bundle in my arms and feel the soft breath of a new born on my neck as I rocked you. My grandchild..........a grandmother who had finally settled down enough to understand how important something so small can be to a Mother. It doesn't mean I loved your siblings less, but that I was so busy living when they were young, I hadn't realized what I had missed.
I wanted to make sure you had all the love and attention you could get in those important first months. You are growing up and exploring more and I think you will love having some buddies to play with and learn to share with. WE have plenty of time to play and enjoy each other's company.
So I give you Roots (because I loved you and spent many hours playing and caring for you) and Wings (because I want you to explore a whole new world!)
Hugs and Kisses
I Love You
Meme
Friday, January 16, 2009
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Sometimes change is good!~
I remember the day that Amy called to tell me she was pregnant! I was shocked, excited, worried and wondering what in the world she was going to do!! I was thrilled for the miracle but somehow I thought she had no idea what a change she was in for and I had this urge to help make it easier for her! I offered to keep the kids...........it was my idea and not one that she jumped on right away.
I thought it was an opportunity to give back to my kids........after all these years to somehow make up for the times I'd probably let them down. It was naive of me to think that there's EVER a way to make up for the past. I did not accomplish that goal.
I believe I may have had a hand in Sawyers desire to move. He may have felt trapped by my presence for those 2 or 3 hours he was accustomed to being at home alone. He may have felt humiliated at my attempts to help him be a better son and do the right things. I mostly feel like it was just a right of passage,,,,,,,,,for him to want to be with his dad at this crucial time in his life, isn't such a surprise. Frankly, I'm thankful that he has a Daddy that truly loves him and wants to help him. And if he does better in school as a result of this change then it will be worth all the heartbreak and sorrow we've suffered.
After several small incidences, it became clear to me that I was not improving my relationship with my daughter and my grandkids. If anything, I was damaging the relationship as it turned out. Sydney's refusal to ride to school with me was proof that I had in fact changed the way she feels about me and I knew it was time for a change.
I love my children immensely! And I'm as honest with them as I know how to be. This decision to stop keeping the kids was not an easy one, but it was the best thing I could do for myself and they will soon see it was a good thing for everyone involved.
My time with Canaan has been priceless for me!! To take care of him from the day he was born.........to be there 11 hours a day, every week, was amazing to me and I have chronicled his 8 1/2 in pictures and the time I've spent with him with all be treasurer memories for me. He is my pride and joy and I will always have a special bond with him because I took the time to actually BE with him. We have played and learned and laughed and cuddled........and just the thought of not seeing his little face everyday, breaks my heart. But I also know he's exploring a whole new world. That must include other people and little friends and new experiences.
There's only so much he can learn everyday with Meme. I didn't want to wait for my relationship with him to change as well. He's still my grandson and I can see him whenever I want and make it quality time.
Sydney is still my granddaughter and I can see her whenever I want and I know she loves me and will be happy to spend quality time with me.
Sawyer is still my grandson, and even though he may have found my presence annoying, someday he will realize I was only trying to help.
I was afraid once summer came and Josie was with me too, that somehow she would also decide she didn't want to be around Meme everyday.
I know I'm opinionated, I know i'm hard on them, it's the way I was raised and I turned out ok.
My relationship with Amy and Emily has always been unique. Whatever damage I have done as a result of trying to help, I will regret I'm sure. But it doesn't change my love for them.
So I give myself credit for trying to do the right thing,,,,,,,,,knowing there was no good way to stop doing it! And I give myself credit for being dependable, trustworthy, capable.
Yes I've had my feeling hurt! It always hurts when you feel like you've failed at the one thing you wanted so badly to succeed at. But I look forward to Canaan's new adventure, and know that in the long run, this is a good thing for him. It's also a good thing for Sydney because she needs friends she can play with after school that are her own age.
And I know in Amy Jane's heart she knows I love her and those kids. It was not my intention to create a problem. Our ideas are just different and they have their own lives to lead, and so do I.
So I look forward to the changes in my own life. To get back to the business of being a professional. Knowing I have gotten my new grandson through the first important months of his life. And for that I am MOST PROUD!! Someday someone will tell him how much he meant to me at this time in our lives. And that will be a truly good thing!
2009 BRING IT ON!
I thought it was an opportunity to give back to my kids........after all these years to somehow make up for the times I'd probably let them down. It was naive of me to think that there's EVER a way to make up for the past. I did not accomplish that goal.
I believe I may have had a hand in Sawyers desire to move. He may have felt trapped by my presence for those 2 or 3 hours he was accustomed to being at home alone. He may have felt humiliated at my attempts to help him be a better son and do the right things. I mostly feel like it was just a right of passage,,,,,,,,,for him to want to be with his dad at this crucial time in his life, isn't such a surprise. Frankly, I'm thankful that he has a Daddy that truly loves him and wants to help him. And if he does better in school as a result of this change then it will be worth all the heartbreak and sorrow we've suffered.
After several small incidences, it became clear to me that I was not improving my relationship with my daughter and my grandkids. If anything, I was damaging the relationship as it turned out. Sydney's refusal to ride to school with me was proof that I had in fact changed the way she feels about me and I knew it was time for a change.
I love my children immensely! And I'm as honest with them as I know how to be. This decision to stop keeping the kids was not an easy one, but it was the best thing I could do for myself and they will soon see it was a good thing for everyone involved.
My time with Canaan has been priceless for me!! To take care of him from the day he was born.........to be there 11 hours a day, every week, was amazing to me and I have chronicled his 8 1/2 in pictures and the time I've spent with him with all be treasurer memories for me. He is my pride and joy and I will always have a special bond with him because I took the time to actually BE with him. We have played and learned and laughed and cuddled........and just the thought of not seeing his little face everyday, breaks my heart. But I also know he's exploring a whole new world. That must include other people and little friends and new experiences.
There's only so much he can learn everyday with Meme. I didn't want to wait for my relationship with him to change as well. He's still my grandson and I can see him whenever I want and make it quality time.
Sydney is still my granddaughter and I can see her whenever I want and I know she loves me and will be happy to spend quality time with me.
Sawyer is still my grandson, and even though he may have found my presence annoying, someday he will realize I was only trying to help.
I was afraid once summer came and Josie was with me too, that somehow she would also decide she didn't want to be around Meme everyday.
I know I'm opinionated, I know i'm hard on them, it's the way I was raised and I turned out ok.
My relationship with Amy and Emily has always been unique. Whatever damage I have done as a result of trying to help, I will regret I'm sure. But it doesn't change my love for them.
So I give myself credit for trying to do the right thing,,,,,,,,,knowing there was no good way to stop doing it! And I give myself credit for being dependable, trustworthy, capable.
Yes I've had my feeling hurt! It always hurts when you feel like you've failed at the one thing you wanted so badly to succeed at. But I look forward to Canaan's new adventure, and know that in the long run, this is a good thing for him. It's also a good thing for Sydney because she needs friends she can play with after school that are her own age.
And I know in Amy Jane's heart she knows I love her and those kids. It was not my intention to create a problem. Our ideas are just different and they have their own lives to lead, and so do I.
So I look forward to the changes in my own life. To get back to the business of being a professional. Knowing I have gotten my new grandson through the first important months of his life. And for that I am MOST PROUD!! Someday someone will tell him how much he meant to me at this time in our lives. And that will be a truly good thing!
2009 BRING IT ON!
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
I want to move...........I'm afraid to move! but I want...to move!
I'm just not comfortable with this idea I have, to move. I mean I couldn't be any unhappier with Eddie if I tried...........it's only a matter of time before he fools around and loses the house and god knows what else.
But if i move and then have to depend on JUST ME........which is what I'm doing now, but not really..........then I will have to find more stable work. But what's stable anymore?? I've been out of the work force over a year now.......not good for a 54 year old woman,,,,,,,nearly 55. I am not confident that my current job is going to hold out for me. Constant questioning about my techniques with the baby during the day, my impatience with my granddaughter, my desire to force her Mother to stand up to her.............are getting me in more and more hot water. I'm sure in the back of her mind, she's probably thinking I helped push Sawyer over the edge....to move to his Dads. I'm not liking the way it's looking.........and certainly not feeling like I can depend on the money and the car, that comes with this job.
Questions?? Answers?? Nothing comes easily anymore. I'm at my wits end. Before I step off the deep end, I'd better KNOW and not wonder!!!
Dont' mind me, I'm just thinking out loud!
But if i move and then have to depend on JUST ME........which is what I'm doing now, but not really..........then I will have to find more stable work. But what's stable anymore?? I've been out of the work force over a year now.......not good for a 54 year old woman,,,,,,,nearly 55. I am not confident that my current job is going to hold out for me. Constant questioning about my techniques with the baby during the day, my impatience with my granddaughter, my desire to force her Mother to stand up to her.............are getting me in more and more hot water. I'm sure in the back of her mind, she's probably thinking I helped push Sawyer over the edge....to move to his Dads. I'm not liking the way it's looking.........and certainly not feeling like I can depend on the money and the car, that comes with this job.
Questions?? Answers?? Nothing comes easily anymore. I'm at my wits end. Before I step off the deep end, I'd better KNOW and not wonder!!!
Dont' mind me, I'm just thinking out loud!
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